My Start

I turned 30 a couple months ago and I had fully convinced myself that I would either die immediately, OR find all the answers to the world.  I realize this is slightly overdramatic, however, I intended for my life to change that day…and in so many ways, it did.  I let go of many people who were toxic in my life and I started to realize that the real me, the uninhibited, honest, sometimes brash me, was pretty great. The more I let myself be free, the more I found myself surrounded by people who accepted and loved me for those very reasons.  Now I realize this has only been a couple months, but it’s been a strong couple months.  I feel alive for the first time in a really long time.  I understand this has nothing to do with the actual turning of 30, but that was the milestone that kicked it all into place.  I’ve always been a writer.  Am I good at it? I don’t know, maybe at times.  Do I enjoy it? Hell yes.  I am opinionated and far too honest for my own good.  I don’t often think about what I’m saying, I just say it.  I understand there is a time and place for everything.  I am intelligent enough to be fully aware of the intense effect someone’s words can have on another person.   I don’t intend to hurt people with my writings.  I also don’t intend to worry about that too much.  The amazing thing I have discovered through social media is that you can actually ignore people you don’t care for.  You have the ability to block them, delete them, and not read what they post.  I fully encourage this in every avenue of your life.  Does Joe blow so and so piss you off every time he posts a picture of his beer gut transformation? Delete him…without reason or explanation.  It’s pretty simple.  Such is life, pretty damn simple. I don’t take offense to much.  I used to allow the smallest people, with the smallest of minds, to ruin my day and crush my self esteem.  When you allow something to offend you, you are allowing the thoughts and opinions of a completely different individual, to change the way you feel about yourself.  No one should be able to change you, but you.  Again, another thing that came to me after the big 3-0.  It’s stupid that I’ve allowed myself to live so long with such a complex.  I didn’t write because I feared someone wouldn’t like what I had to say.  I went places I didn’t want to go, so that I didn’t hurt anyone’s feelings.  I wasted my time and energy on people who weren’t willing to do the same.  I let people tell me how I should feel and what I should do and where I should be in my life.  But they were wrong.  I’m here, right in this moment.  I’m confident in my own skin for the first time. I feel happy when I wake up and happy when I go to sleep.  I have my moments, my days and sometimes my weeks…but I’m here.  Maybe I should have tried harder in my marriage, or raised my kids in a different way, or not dated right after my divorce, or blah blah fucking blah.  I screwed up a lot.  I’m going to keep doing that, because I’m a god damn human.  A human who is living, in this very moment, because really it’s all we have. 

Live it hard…

-Masquerage